The secret to the modern existence is nobody is truly self-sufficient. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, a backboard to drop words to, and someone to ease their burdens when they aren't able to handle them themselves.
I'm one of those disorder guys, too, so I know how it goes.
I'm also a guy who really enjoys partaking in hobbies. I have for 9 years now, aged 22. I do some rocking code work, some okay writing, some really shit tier art. I found such hobbies amidst coming to terms with my disorders at about age 12 to 13 roughly.
Before then, I hated who I was. Partially, because I was a real diamond in the rough when I was young, but partially because I felt I lacked character and purpose. I had no accomplishments to call my own, and exchange I felt I inconvenienced people to keep me chugging along in my daily, mundane life.
But that's not true. After finding a hobby, I had work I loved doing and small, tangible products (including many unfinished ones I still enjoyed doing and people enjoyed the concept of) I enjoyed releasing. Having even just that one thing I can pat myself on the back on (which to be honest, is really, truly only coding) made a huge difference to my mood, because it's infinitely more than zero.
I'm still not self sufficient and things still aren't easy for me. But by now I take pride in myself as a person, and not by accomplishments, but because I'm still in the game. I've been handed shit cards in life for a game that's been very unrewarding, but on the whole I've kept my poker face and hung in as long as I could.
That's the funny thing, the thing that I thing is most iconic about a true fighter isn't their face or their scars, it's their spirit. The one thing you can't imitate. The one thing you can't fake. As strange as it is, just being in the game for this long is an accomplishment on its own, I have to acknowledge. If you had told me 9 years ago I've been through all the challenges I have, and come out in one piece on the other end? I'd have called bullshit. I'd have said that's just not something I was capable of... but here I am anyways.
Happiness is the greatest con of all time. Cake is delicious, but eating it doesn't truly fulfill happiness. It's that one moment where you chew what's in your mouth and enjoy it for what it is, but not have to say you'll enjoy it because it's cake and you went out of your way to reach the objective of eating it.
Likewise, if you have fun making music, listening to music, engaging with people on and off the subjects of your hobby(s), you are more fulfilled than most people in life, even if you don't see it like that. Chasing success or money isn't bad. It's a remotely tangible promise that things get better and good times are ahead... but they aren't a necessity. They're cake. You want that cake so bad, but maybe the cake's not truly as fun as it first seems, dare I say.
There are lots of people who don't know that there are hobbies they can have, crafts they can pour themselves into like molds of a person's soul, or that there are other things to fulfill one in life other than the capitalistic American dream. I pity the man who goes through life trying to achieve that moment of happiness in someone else's game plan, when he could have been taking holidays off to polish some replica ducks in his garage, if he did so choose.
If he loves collecting ducks, who's to say that that momentary happiness isn't as good as any other achieved kind of happiness? As long as you stopped and did something you enjoyed along the way, I'd say the trip of life was well worth it.
If it's a matter of security, the SS thing sounds like it's suiting. If you've tried to play the game to your ability, but you can't get places everyone else seems to go, don't sweat it. I've put myself through several laps of trying to do college classes, but the classes themselves are enough to break me clean in two on occasion. Maybe you just have limits. I know I do. Doing what is objectively best for yourself and matching to the situation at hand is never shameful. There's never shame in the truth.
Maybe even your Mom could feel more at ease not having to worried what would happen if she wasn't there to support you one day. I know I get thoughts like that in my life's setup, and it's an uneasy thought indeed I admit. I don't want to pry into that too much if it's a touchy subject or I'm overstepping my bounds, but that's my 2 cents on that bulletin point.
On the topic of feelings, I hate to be a pessimist by saying hesitancy is natural and maybe it's not good to chase it. Not to say one way or the other about "worthiness", but to give a piece of yourself away, to try and complete and be completed by someone else? That's something you can only truly be comfortable with when you've outgrown your wounds in life to be comfortable doing. Trying to input yourself into an equation when even you, your biggest backer ideally, doesn't support your odds of success may not end well, realistically.
Hell, a while back I WAS confident in myself and tried to hand my heart to one of the nicest people I knew in about the most balanced and kind way I could, and STILL had it stomped on violently by that person. Dare I say, I feel I would've been happier off doubting myself reasonably, than believing in myself baselessly.
Read the signals as best you can (I'm autistic, and I sniffed it out alright) with the person of interest. If you feel like they closely value time spent with you like you do with them, and they have gone above and beyond to be there for you, even when you weren't, I would say there's something there. If you keep some form of regular contact and have had fun with the person in the past few months, they would feel what they feel about you actively, whatever it may be.
Past that, if you really have the feelings? Fuck it. Go for it. Just put it out there reasonably and with a good perspective, not afraid to hang onto "only" being friends if it falls short. My problem was I took so long to sniff out my good lead that it was dead when I finally decided to show up. The person was too nice to tell me no, and I believed that legitimately meant "maybe", meaning I had a chance. I hung on so hard to the idea of being with someone it broke everything I was and believed in, broke my foundation of wanting something good for myself, and damn near left me for my dead in its wake.
If you tried, there's no regrets. Nothing to truly blame yourself long term. After all, wanting something better is the most fundamental aspect of every relationship. If it goes bad or it doesn't work out, just don't be afraid to walk away while you're still somewhat ahead.
The strongest blades are forged in the hardest fires, as I say. You can't be strong without challenges, and you can't achieve a good quality of self without discipline. I know what I'm hearing in this video, and it's the aspect of being your own critic put through the megaphone of anxiety and depression. I've been there, and I've known others who have been there. I have one last thing to say...
"I am amazing."
Did it work? I hope so. You took time to put your mind and soul out there for all to see today. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do or finish, because taking that step is already a leap of trust and honesty many people in this world aren't capable of. And THAT is amazing, coming from you.